Competitive Cousins You've heard about those Irish Catholics, who never had a television, Well I don't know about that, cos my dad’s family were like The Waltons, We'd congregate round his mum's place, every summer his shower of siblings, And if they brought their kids along, we sure did form quite a gathering. Your mum told you what not to say, when you're alone with Auntie May, But she didn't say you couldn't tell her daughters, They had this knack like making stew, To draw the secrets out of you, By then you knew you were fit for the slaughter And I guess it's just one of life’s useful lessons, If you spend too much time with, Competitive Cousins. You were soft suburban, not like inner city Sid, He used to make your hair curl, when he told you things he did, (Ba ba ba-ooh) He was two years younger but, (Ba ba ba-ooh) was best at everything, (Ba ba ba-ooh) He used to win at football, (Ba ba ba-ooh) so you’d kick him in the shins. You went to stay one half term, at his gaff in the big smoke, Used to think your mum was strict. 'til you saw him get a roast, They had the latest records and, were Irish dancing kings, They couldn't understand how you weren't, made to do those things. He always knew exactly how to press all of your buttons, It’s just a second sense for, competitive Cousins. MIDDLE EIGHT Well Johnny's off to Uni and, Siobhan is getting wed, Whilst you still have a noddy duvet on your single bed, Aunty May can hear the tiny pattering of feet, Whilst all your mum can hear is you, munch your rice crispies (at lunchtime) INSTRUMENTAL/BRIDGE When you gonna get a job you lazy slob? Why can't you be more like your cousin Sean? He's self-employed you know! (you know, I know, I know, you know, I know…) Johnny took a year out, said he's just spinning his wheels, He now lives in a commune getting chased off farmers’ fields, (Ba ba ba-ooh) Sid's mum broke both of his legs(Ba ba ba-ooh) when his ACL did tear, (Ba ba ba-ooh)Siobhan got divorced and all(Ba ba ba-ooh) of her children put in care, Auntie May breached her NDA, got issued with a summons, The battle carries on with Competitive Cousins, No resting on your laurels it’s the calm before the storm, I got beaten to this song, Ah! By Competitive Cousins Competitive Cousins Competitive Cousins I'm Competitive A Competitive Cousin… (Living In A Competitive World) Competitive (Living In A Competitive World) Cousins (Living In A Competitive World) Finished 31.1.24

Ashtray Tea (Started 31.8.23) Including BV’s Let me take you down the back of beyond, Where the local pool’s an algae filled pond, Visit two sisters decrepit and old (you'd rather stay in the cold) They'll both be speaking to you at the same time, (Parallel conversations), The old house sure has gone way past its prime (there's an unused extension), One looks like a sweet old witch, One’s Quasimodo with a nervous twitch. One sis married then widowed. One stayed home, They’re together alone. They have a male friend who goes to the shops. We’re suspicious as these old dolls have dough, Exactly where they keep it there's no one who knows, (is it under the bed?) They never seem to eat just hunger for the news outside, (its a fascination) They'll ask whose married and who was it that died? (That’s all they want to know) You heard that one of them was one day set to be bride, Stood up at the alter then back to mother’s side, They light another cigarette, hangs from their mouth, as they still chat, Whilst they rustle up for you some Ash Tray Tea. They're cut off from the town, In a world that feels like it’s been turned upside down, The undergrowth is taking over the house, (you barely find the door) Stick to the path in case you're sucked into the bog, (and never get out) If you fall behind you get lost in the fog. (don’t expect a search party) Everywhere's a musty stench. This way of life's deeply entrenched, This is the place that time tries to deny, But there's nowhere they'd rather be, It's years since they've been to the sea, As they pore you some more Ash Tray Tea. These are your long lost aunts, In fact their your kin, They’re old as time with whiskery chins, It seems you want to leave before you arrive, (too late they’ve heard the car) Try not to breathe or else your lungs won’t survive, (they call it passive smoking) Abandoned cars rust, with shrubs growing inside. (if you park too long) You start to edge nearer the door, Get to the car, they talk some more, We slip inside when they cannot see, We tell your da to start the ride, As they ask about Jim and Bridie, Ah won't you stay for one more Ash Tray Tea? They talk much louder over the car noise. "Drive on” we say, as they hold to the sides, The car starts moving as they become quite agile, (they’ve never moved so fast) Relinquish their grips as the speedo hits 5, (reluctantly) Dogs circle wheels but somehow they survive. (they bark constantly) You're waved off for another year, And feel the guilt to see their tears, You can but imagine the life they lead, Standing by the oak disappearing into the smoke, You can still see them making some Ash Tray Tea. 10.2.24